If Isaac Newton Had Been A Climate Scientist

If Newton were a climate scientist, he would have called gravity “elevation change

Some days the apple would fall, and other days the apple would rise. The acceleration of gravity would not be a constant, and would always be updated by the latest peer-reviewed research.

Apples would be forecast to become increasingly violent over time (mostly towards women and children) and fall earlier or later in the year.

The behavior of a falling apple would be much too complicated for laymen to understand, and the experts would call for anyone who challenges them to be jailed or burned at the stake.

About Tony Heller

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12 Responses to If Isaac Newton Had Been A Climate Scientist

  1. Andy says:

    Please don’t drag Newton into it,

    Have some respect for proper scientists.



  2. geran says:

    You outdid yourself with this one.

    Every paragraph is original, hilarious, and poignant.

    (For the Warmists, translation: You are very smart. Your teddy bear loves you. Now sleep well before the Earth explodes tomorrow due to AGW.)

    Hope I didn’t scare too many Warmists….

  3. Morgan says:

    …and then some smart scientists would come along and say F=ma, and that “a” was a constant called g of 32 feet / sec^2, and they would be called elevation change deniers

  4. Brian G Valentine says:

    Newton was the greatest mathematical physicist who ever lived, followed only by Clerk Maxwell.

    Both were from the UK. Had they been alive now, to witness what the “Royal” Academy has become (a mirror of Prince Charles psychotic delusional behavior) – both would have expatriated.

    To where? Czechoslovakia, maybe

    • _Jim says:

      I always thought that was James Clerk Maxwell. Hey, but what would an RF engineer who regularly deals with EM energy and antennas and all know about ‘Maxwell’ and his famous equations establishing the principles for electromagnetic radiation …

  5. Gail Combs says:

    You need the public-school educational film “What is gravity?”

    • Brian G Valentine says:

      What does this have to do with polar bears weeping because people won’t stop buying SUVs, which is the only “science” education children receive these days

  6. tom0mason says:

    As hoaxy Hoaxer might put it –

    “Verily, to recapitulate. Human induced elevation change (HIEC) is measured by height changes, (in furlongs/msec) e.g. averaged falls over land, sea and air depths over the long term, e.g. 100 years; and on a global basis.
    Therefore, only a moron would use any of the following types of arguments to claim HIEC is not happening because they just scream I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT:
    It’s unusually ascending there this month.
    It’s unusually descending there this month.
    In 1666 scientists said: x.
    In 1635 scientist y said this.
    In 1698 scientist z said that.
    Verily there’s a global conspiracy of elevantologists (the 97%) being manipulated by an axis of evil cabal to force one imperial world government on us all.
    Robert Hooke is great.
    What happens in Hampshire happens worldwide.
    Picking ANY SOLE DATA POINT to make an argument.
    The Kings mistresses are a valid topic for discussion at any time.”

  7. stephen richards says:

    (mostly towards women and children) You forgot the most important one, grand children

  8. Chip Bennett says:

    Also, the historical apple-fall record would have to be continually revised, in order to Hide The Deceleration.

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